How to live with a messy person if you are the most orderly member of the couple (and vice versa)

The confinement - with the relief and exceptions that are coming - is being a fire test for the coexistence of many couples.Perhaps perhaps to coincide less a day, suddenly spend so much time together inside the house entails their challenges.One of them refers to order and conflicts that arise when one of the two members of the couple is more orderly than the other.Although it may seem unimportant detail, the distribution of domestic tasks has important consequences in the quality of relationships.

A 2015 study from the University of AlbertThey disregarded the organization of the house.

You have to negotiate

Flexibility is the key

Monia lends, clinical psychologist, sexologist and couple therapist clarifies that there is no way of being more desirable than another, so respect and reaching are fundamental: “There are as many types of order as people exist in the world.And the order does not mean cleaning, by the way;Sometimes one theme is confused with the other.Although it is obvious that the extremes are never good, since the most beautiful things are in balance, the secret for a couple to work well is to have respect and tolerance for different ways of working.And also negotiate and reach agreements.When this is so and there is love, the deficiencies that one considers that your partner can compensate with their skills, and vice versa ".He warns that current circumstances still ask to have more resources and waist to negotiate.

Jose Ruiz-Zarco, Madrid designer who has been teleworking at home with his partner and two children, tells his experience: “At first it was an lack of control because the house had to be enabled for the work of two people and the two children,They have online classes every day several hours a day.I personally care about me, ”he says.

And it continues: “That everything is in its place and the orderly environment transmits peace and tranquility, but this does not affect everyone equally: some family members are more or less tolerant of this sensation.Although we must recognize that it is difficult to have order when working, studying, doing duties, playing ... In the end you have to be flexible ”.

I wanted to learn how *to cook* the broccolini, random cooking blog, not read its backstory >:( (it was developed… https://t.CO/UBRVHHT1DB

— Jamie Wilde ☕ Thu Oct 01 01:28:39 +0000 2020

Tips

Nine guidelines to maintain order

The Monia Couple Therapist lends some tips, in addition to the aforementioned flexibility, so that the coexistence is more bearable and we can reinforce the couple link despite the circumstances:

1.Be tolerant.After many days of confinement, differences may arise in the way of managing homework and the conception of order.Those differences are normal.On the other hand, the demands in the couple can be harmful.There is nothing you can control.The important thing is that you handle these variables with openness and tolerance.COVID-19 is a teacher in this sense for everyone.

2.Distribute the homework and family tasks so that each one knows what they are going to do, take responsibility for their part, and no one feels that he is doing an overwriting or feels indebted to order and organization.

3.Out blames.Do not blame the other.Talk about how you feel adult, not violent communication, and try to find a solution that satisfies the two.The couple is a continuous negotiation and they should always win the two always.

4.Space.You never speak after a conflict.Leave twenty minutes of pause so that you can reassure and talk from calm.

5.Practice meditation and relaxation in times of tensions.A short meditation or a few deep breaths can help us see the situation with more perspective.

6.Connect with you.Find a personal space to be with yourself and/or do pleasant activities, because if you connect with you you can have a predisposition of friendly listening towards your partner during confinement.It is not advisable to be together twenty -four hours.Organize so that each one has their space.You can go to the bathroom, the office, to the balcony or the terrace.And if the house is small, you can take the common space.When you meet again you can see the issue of order and disorder from another perspective.

7.Communicate.It is normal for you to feel discomfort now, because confinement is a special situation.Once or twice a week, talk to your partner and explain how you feel at this time of confinement.Speaking will make you feel supported.

8.Value and appreciate.Couples who work better are those who communicate assertively and practice gratitude.Instead of looking at how ordered or disorderly your partner is, try to positively underline what he has done for you or at home during the day.And if something does not work, instead of reproach, try to communicate assertively from how you feel without blaming anyone, asking open questions and looking for adult solutions.For example: “When you haven't made the bed today I felt sad and angry because you had promised me that you would do it.What happened to you?Do you think that for next time we look for a joint solution, or that you propose another strategy that helps us to live better? ”.When the two reproach anyone wins anything, and who loses is the couple.

9.Find help.If you intuit that the issue of disorder has other causes that do not improve having applied all these tips, you can seek professional help.Many psychologists do online sessions right now.

Empathy

Ideas for ordered and messy people

Other strategies that can serve are:

1.For the most orderly person: explain to your partner how it makes you feel the disorder, ask him to strive a little more, and then accept the result of his version of the order.Not everyone understands it in the same way, and the two members of the couple should be able to reach an intermediate point on the path that makes them feel comfortable.He also thinks that some studies claim that messy people are smarter and more creative.

2.For the messy person: try to contain chaos.A couple of times a day, observe your disorder with your partner's perspective.If you put yourself in your shoes you are likely to feel to organize that paper stack or better fold the closet clothes.

3.For both of them: you never lose their sense of humor, and remember why you love that person.If you have a partner who supports you, he loves you without conditions and even deals with other tasks that are made uphill, who cares a few dishes without collecting?